


Am i not significant? (tell me I am)

by Kindacool



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Anorexia, Domestic Fluff, Drug Use, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Good Brother Diego Hargreeves, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Klaus Hargreeves Deserves Better, Klaus Hargreeves Needs Help, Klaus had an eating disorder, M/M, Post Season 1, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Ben Hargreeves, Sibling Bonding, Sleepy Cuddles, Sober Klaus Hargreeves, Vietnam War, throwing up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-04 10:23:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18341747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kindacool/pseuds/Kindacool
Summary: Klaus saunters over to the place he had tossed his underwear last night before they had gotten… busy. He smiled at the memory, still deliciously sore. Dave sure knew how to give a man a workout.Before he got very far though, Dave had taken hold of his wrist and had swung him around again, so they were facing each other.“Don’t be needy.” Klaus said, kissing his forehead.alternatively: they saved the world, but Klaus is still fucked up.





	1. at once I knew,

**Author's Note:**

> Beware the tags!!

The quiet pitter-patter of rain was what woke him up. Far away in the distant a single flash of lightning could be heard, if one really tried. Klaus, however, did not try, more than content to lay in his king-sized bed, cuddled close to the love of his life. Besides, the rain didn’t bother him in the slightest, he welcomed it, as a traveller welcomed the start of an engine. He opened his eyes slightly, looking around the room, admiring the view.  Everything was an array of orange, red and blue, consisting of candid pictures taking on the run, plants scattered all around, a fair amount of them dead or on its way to be, and flowery curtains, that reminded Klaus of angel wings. Every fabric and every blanket was soft, because they had spent two years in the roughness of the Vietnam war, and after all they had done, they rightly deserved some softness from this word in return.

Klaus turns over, engulfing more of Dave’s body with his own. Sometimes, Klaus would wake up in the mornings, shuddering with the need be be numb or to starve himself to feel anything at all, and in those days Dave was his only antidote. Now, he was okay, but he treasured Dave’s cuddles in the morning more than anything, and who was he to deny himself the simple pleasures of the world?

He shifts around, trying to find a better, more cozy position. And just as the first bite of cold hits him, Dave’s hand finds his way around his middle, warm and soft, and he shift them around, easy as anything. They wrap around each, sharing each others body heat as easily as they shared their hearts.

Klaus could never have imagined he’d let another person close to him like this, but Dave was so different in all the right ways. He was warmth when Klaus was cold, he was calm when Klaus was chaotic, and he was gentle when Klaus was distressed. He always has the right motivations, even when he’s wrong. There’s a kindness to him, almost seen as nativity to the untrained eye. But, if you just looked, you could easily see all the ways Dave shined. And Klaus had done his fair share of staring.

Just like he did now, gently, and with as much love his eyes could hold, he looked at his lover. Hair ruffled, eyes closed, he was the definition of cute. Perhaps he could feel the sensation of eyes on him, because he clumsily brought his hand forward, pausing on Klaus’ cheek, caressing the sharp cheekbones that was located there.

Klaus loved when he did that, and that’s precisely why Dave used every possibility to do it. It reminded Klaus of the first time they kissed at the disco, and he had realized he was completely and utterly in love.

“Hey you,” Dave’s voice was rough from sleep and it sent a delicious shiver down Klaus’ back, “what’re you looking at?”

Klaus smiles cockily at him and leans in for a soft kiss.  

“Nothing.” He looked at the small clock above them, “I have to get going.” 

“Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where are you going?” Dave said, petulant as a child, as he reached for Klaus who was on his way up from the bed.  Klaus tsk’ed at him, “Vanya has a show today, and we’re going out to brunch with Ben and Diego beforehand. Don’t you remember anything I tell you? I’m hurt!” The last part was said in a shrill, dramatic voice, effectively making Dave laugh.  Klaus saunters over to the place he had tossed his underwear last night before they had gotten… busy. He smiled at the memory, still deliciously sore. Dave sure knew how to give a man a workout.  Before he got very far though, Dave had taken hold of his wrist and had swung him around again, so they were facing each other.

“Don’t be needy.” Klaus said, kissing his forehead.

“How can I not, when you’re walking around like that?” He said, gesturing to Klaus’ very much nude body. Slowly, like he was exploring the crooks and lines of the body in front of him for the very first time, he put a hand at the top of his back and slowly slid it back down, admiring the curve. 

Then he stopped. The usual firmness of Klaus’ back had been replaced by the backbones, those small hard bumps. He rubbed his thumb across the hardness a few times, before he noticed Klaus staring at him.

“Where did you go?”

 

Dave shook his head, “Nowhere, nowhere. You can go have the first bath, but if it’s longer than an hour I’ll come join you.” He said, very serious.

“You say that like it’s a threat,” Klaus laughed and walked away.

Dave watched him go, silently worrying about what he’d found. Klaus had always been skinny, sure, but never like that.

 

Dave laid down again, trying to banish the thoughts from his mind. He was probably just being stupid; Klaus could take care of himself after all.

 

__________________________

The bath didn’t turn out to be a long one, which was both a good and a bad thing. The good was that Dave could take a bath as well without anything distracting him. The bad was no morning sex in the shower, which Dave had grown quite fond of.

It didn’t take very long time for Klaus to get ready. He’d found the clothes he was going to wear the last night, and he only needed a bit of eyeliner and he was good to go. 

Outside, the weather was still gloomy, but Klaus liked it that way. They grabbed an umbrella on their way out

__  
Not the pink one   
  
Dave had said, ignoring the pout that appeared on Klaus’ face, and grabbing their normal one, that Dave had insisted on buying. Dave had insisted on buying a bunch of things when they moved in together. Partly because everything Klaus had was a bit more, well queer, than he was used to and partly because he owned almost nothing functional. What he owed now, though, he hold onto like a grib. The many years on the streets with nothing but himself and his pills, had made its mark, and it was as if he was terrified that someone was going to come and take everything away. Dave couldn’t fault him for that. It seemed the world was determined to make Klaus’ life hell. 

So they went out, with a plain, old and black umbrella, that was just big enough to cover them both. That didn’t stop Klaus from clinging to Dave, whining about getting wet otherwise.

The small café they were eating at wasn’t very far away, so they decided on walking despite the rain getting worse by the minute. Maybe it wasn’t their wisest idea in retrospect, but they could both use some fresh air, so walking it was.

The café was close to the harbor. Normally that made the place seem almost serene, but today, with the heavy rain and the wind that was picking up, it’s just felt chaotic and wild, like they were a captain stuck in the petulant ocean. 

They picked up their pace, thankfully getting to the entrance of the café quick enough. As usual, they’re the first ones there, and they use the extra time to dry up a bit in the bathroom. It’s big, and has mirrors all around, and a nice flowery pattern on the walls. 

“What time did Vanya’s concert start again?” Dave asked as he rubbed his face with a towel. 

<  
“Around 2 pm I think, so we have plenty of time to eat, if that’s what you’re asking,” 

“You know me so well” Dave smiled and kissed Klaus a last time before they went to the table. Neither Diego nor Ben was there still, so they sat down, ordering water for all of them and coffee for Dave and Klaus. 

Shortly afterwards the waitress returned, this time with a tray of two steaming cups of coffee. Klaus immediately took a sip of his, cursing when the liquid was still hot. 

He then took another sip.

“Do you have no impulse control?” Dave asked fondly, as he watched him unsuccessfully down the scalding coffee.  

“What’s that?” Klaus deadpanned, now with a mouth in pain, which he tried to soothe by taking a big gulp of water.

Dave just shook his head. God, how he loved that idiot. 

The door on the other side of the café opened with a “bing” and Ben stepped in, seemingly dry and clean, dressed in his nicest clothes. Then Diego stepped in, utterly drenched to the bone. Dave was on his feet quick, showing Diego the bathroom where he and Klaus had just dried off. Klaus went with him, engulfing his brother in a hug. 

“Hey Benny, long time no see.” He said.

“You saw me yesterday.”

 

“I did? Can’t recall, must not have been very interesting.”

 

Ben gave him a swat on his arm, but he was smiling. He sat down opposite his brother and was quick to take a large gulp of water. 

“Damn, I needed that.”

“You been training?” Klaus asked, even though he knew. After they had solved the whole end-of-the-world situation by going back to them as children, Ben had been standing there, alive and well. Cue hugs and tears all around. Soon after they went into the future again, promising to finally start being a real family again. 

It had been 17 years since Ben had been alive though, so there was many things he had simply forgotten. Like the fact that he had powers. powers who had killed him the first time around, so he should probably get around to controlling them. So now he trained them every day, getting more and more control of them. Vanya joined him now and again. 

“Yeah, and then Diego cam down and insisted we spar. So we do, and I get my ass handed to me as always.” He sighed defeated, the looked up with the look of a man who just got away with an evil thing, “So I took his car over here, leaving him running behind me most of the way, before I finally took pity on him and let him in.”

Klaus laughed loudly at that. And they said Klaus was the asshole of the family!

Diego appeared suddenly, sitting down beside Ben and looked between the two of them. 

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing!” They both said at the same time, way too quickly, which just ended up in more laughter. 

Dave and Diego shared a look that seemed to scream   
__  
weirdos  
  
before each taking a menu. 

The café had the usual brunch menu consisting of eggs, bacon and bread. You could the add and mix a few other things. Klaus opted for some fish he had never heard about before, and an extra serving of eggs. The other three also got a variation of the same.

The conversation was lively and comfortable. Ben knew Dave very well already, both from the afterlife, but also from living in their apartment, when he was still adjusting to the life of the living. It seems only talking with Klaus for all those years had made him a bit co-dependent. Luckily Klaus hadn’t minded, and Ben suspected he felt the same.

The food was good as well, although they knew it would be from numerous other visits to the place. It had a cozy atmosphere and was never filled with more than a handful of people. It was one of their favorite spots to eat, when they just wanted something easy and yummy. The food was eaten quickly as well, which was a given with four full-grown men.

Ben noticed though, in between words and laughter, that Klaus had barely touched his own food. He wrinkled his brows, fearing the worst.

“You not hungry?” He asked him, careful to keep his voice light and friendly. Klaus eyes darted up in panic, before he got himself under control again.

“Oh yeah, food’s for eating. Guess i should do that.”

“Guess you should.”

Klaus did, if only a little bit, and the rest of the brunch date went smoothly.

Near the end, however, Klaus stood rather abruptly and announced that he was going to the bathroom. Or as he preferred to say: “The little ladies room.” Ben worriedly watched him go, but was soon pulled into a rather interesting story about a prank Dave used to play on his sister that involved a pair of boots and way too much makeup.

Later, when he returned, no one noticed how his eyeliner was a little smudged, and that he was chewing gum. 

  
  


lll


	2. i was not significant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want out from under  
> This confining skin  
> That I so reluc-tantly live in  
> My worth is measured solely  
> According to the scale  
> I am heavy, but I feel frail  
> \- Eyesore by Maria Mena

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter had detailed descriptions of:
> 
> \- puking  
> \- eating disorders
> 
> So be aware of that! 
> 
> (It also has plenty of angst)

 

The rain was still pouring when they found their places in the huge concert hall. It was actually an opera place but the orchestra still played a huge role in making everything great. It was the premiere as well, so Vanya’s nerves were through the roof. She fiddled around with her violin a pit, dusting of some non-existent particles of dirt when she heard a voice.

“Hey, are you gonna be okay?”

It was Sofia, a girl near her age who also played the violin. She had just transferred from London, and her voice still had the tilt of an accent. Vanya found it unbearingly cute. 

“Yeah,” she said, smiling timidly, “Just nervous, is all.”

“I feel you - I’ve never seen this many people before in my life!”

Her words were true. In front of the main stage where the orchestra was placed, the view was amazing. From all sides, people were shuffling in and the large room buzzed of cozy conversation and energy. Vanya looked around, hoping to find her family. They were unsurprisingly easy to spot, as you could expect from a group of people that included a giant man and a monkey butler. Luckily Diego had come in a normal set of clothes instead of his vigilante-suit and even Klaus had toned it a bit down, so he fit in between the rest of the audience, which mostly consisted of elderly people. 

“ Me neither.” She said smiling wide, “I’m excited though.”

“Of course  _ you  _ are - you have such an easy time playing it’s like you were born with a fiddle in your hands.”

Vanya giggled. 

“Maybe I was.”

 

_________________

 

In the audience Klaus had a great time watching Luther try to get in between the crowded chairs where most people had already found their seat. He was comically wide, and had no control over his giant body, and that resulted in more than a few collisions with elder people. He was always quick to say sorry, and as soon as the old people saw the intruder they just smiled politely and waved him away. Finally they found their seats.

Klaus sat down in between Dave and Ben, respectively on his right and left side. The rest of the family sat further down in the right row, except Pogo who also sat down next to Ben. This Pogo was the one from their second childhood, and so, all of them had a way better relationship with him. Especially Klaus, who had taken the trip back to the past as a new beginning, effectively donning the drugs once and for all. Or rather, just never beginning to take them in the first place. Because of him being sober, he had a lot of time on his hands, which he this time around, spent reading and talking with his siblings instead of running off to god knows where to get high of his mind. 

The ghost weren’t that bad either. Not anymore. 

Klaus underwent training in his youth just as the rest of his siblings, but drugs can really fuck you up when you start taking them at an early age, and so he remembered almost nothing from his first childhood. This time though, he was a diligent student. He listened closely and tried his best to concentrate both on summoning and sending the ghosts away. 

It had helped, to know he had even an ounce of control over them, after nearly a decade of them having complete control over  _ him.  _

And so came a lifetime of healing, both from past and present wounds. It hadn’t been until he had gone back and brought Dave back, that he could even really do it. He’d found a psychologist, and went once a week. He used to go every other day. Life moved on, and he tried to do the same. But it was hard, when he watched Allison go to acting, same as she did the first time around, but this time with no rumoring to help her. She still got the parts of course, but she’d never realised how much racism would prohibit her from getting the roles she wanted - she roles she deserved, really. 

She used to complain to Klaus about it, back then.

_ It’s so unfair _ , she had said more than once  _ I’m obviously better than fucking Scarlett Johansson, the only difference is that she’s white! _

Now though, it seemed Hollywood had opened its eyes for the real talent hidden in the industry and Allison was on the A-list, just like she should be. 

Luther never went to the moon this time around, and used the four years he had wasted there on moving out and creating a life of his own. A life that didn’t revolve around their father. Imagine the surprise when Luther said  _ Suck it, I’m not gonna collect rocks on the fucking moon _ to their daddy. It had been great, absolutely fucking great.

Then he was thrown out of the academy, which was, admittedly, less great. 

Five had went of to college, skipping high-school easily when the teacher found out how smart he was. He didn’t need the degree, per say, but no one would take him seriously without it, and he was planning great things, though he wouldn’t say what those plans involved to any of his siblings. Klaus had a feeling that Vanya knew as well, but they were both secretive as hell. 

Didn’t matter though. Five was the first of them to go to college and they were all very proud of him. Or rather, he was the second of them to do so, as Diego had once again enrolled in the police academy, this time managing to not get kicked out. He also made up with Patch, his little lady cop. Klaus was honestly happy she was alive - he’d felt bad about how everything went down before.

Loud applause snapped him from his thought and he looked up. The first actor was getting on the stage, running around, already singing loudly. Klaus leaned forward trying to find his sister in the orchestra. There she was, brows frowned in concentration, mouth just a bit agape. Maybe it was an illusion, but Klaus could almost hear her play, better and louder than the rest of them. He smiled, leaned back, and enjoyed the play. 

 

_______________________

 

Vanya was going out to celebrate with some of the other players including the new friend Klaus saw more and more. It was cute really, and Klaus looked forward to her coming out. If she was ever going too, of course. If she did, he would be the best brother in the world and give her all the support he could. He knew how it felt, being the black sheep, and he definitely knew the hardships that came with coming out. 

So Vanya ran off with her new friends, which left the rest of them with not much to do. Diego suggested they used the still you friday night as movie night. The siblings agreed readily. It had been a while since they last had one after all, and if they stayed up too long, they could just sleep in one of the billion guestrooms. 

They crammed together in Diego’s car, which heavily protested the added weight of Luther. Pogo and Five took an taxi, shaking their heads fondly at the bunch. The car wasn’t big, so Klaus  _ unfortunately  _ ended up in Dave’s lap, so all of them could fit in there. He resisted the urge to squirm just to mess with Dave. It would have been a bit inappropriate - they were still around his family after all. 

Dave put his arms around the smaller man, effectively playing his seatbelt, while simultaneously just enjoying being able to freely touch him. It hadn’t been like that in the war - the opposite actually. They had to walk on eggshells in the night when they snuck out to have a little alone time, and was only ever free the few nights they went out drinking and crashed in a hotel room afterwards. 

So this was nice. Just riding in the car with his boyfriend, no fear of being judged or even killed simply for loving another man. Dave still wasn’t used to it, but luckily, he had a lifetime to do just that. Klaus turned his head and kissed him on the cheek, as if affirming his thought.

“That’s gross” Diego said from in front of them. 

“Your face is gross.” Klaus replied, and kissed Dave properly out of spite. 

 

__________________

 

When the car finally drove into the driveaway, everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Klaus was their brother, and they loved him, but he was an annoying little shit at times. Weird as shit, too. It was lucky Dave was more eccentric. It was eerie, really, how alike the two of them were in humor and personality. Couple of oddballs. 

The familiar sight of the academy settled something in Klaus, that had been slightly off-filter the entire day. He woke up hungry, both the normal, boring physical kind, but also hungry for some kind of emotion he couldn’t seem to place. Maybe that was why he was all over the place, singing loudly as he plopped down on the sofa, filling the entire furniture, before Dave came and adjusted him. The rest of the family spread around the house; Luther making popcorn, Allison finding drinks - and a cola for Klaus, -  and Ben shifting the other sofa so all of them could sit together. 

Movie night had been easier when they were kids - for starters, Luther didn’t fill the sofa as much as he did now, and they had also been one person less. Still, it was cozy and soon the scent of popcorn emanated the entire house.

It took way longer than it should have to find a movie to watch. They set up Netflix, and soon the two eldest brothers engaged in a heated conversation about whether to watch  _ Isn’t it romantic?  _ or  _ Justice Legau.  _ Allison said whatever, and Dave and Klaus didn’t care as long as they watched something soon. In the end, after the bickering was finally over, they settled on watching  _ To the Bone,  _ because Allison had met Lily Collins recently and she had been so sweet, that Allison wanted to support her. Beside, she’d heard the movie was great, and Lily had lost a ton of weight for the role, and wasn’t that  _ amazing? _

Klaus tensed up.

“I heard she only weighed 95 pounds when they started filming.” 

“Really? That’s crazy.”

It was crazy, Klaus agreed with them. He also felt an extreme jealousy towards her. Imagine being able to be that tiny. If he weighed that, he’d probably be dead, and wasnt that a discerning thought?

Almost in a daze, Klaus felt his hand being taken, a warm heat engulfing it completely, and he looked at Dave who smiled at him. Klaus relaxed a bit into his side, letting the conversation happen without contributing much. He did feel someone's gaze at him though, and assumed it was Ben, as it used to be. He was right.

The movie started, and for a long while, Klaus was intrigued and got carried away by the brilliant acting of both Lily Collins, and her co-star Alex Sharp. The plot was good, and everything was fairly realistic. 

When he saw the scene with Megan who miscarried because of an relapse, something changed. The popcorn he had munched happily on a minute ago, now felt like sand in his mouth and he quickly swallowed and handed the popcorn to Diego, who happily took them. Suddenly he couldn’t sit in this room anymore, fidgeting before abruptly standing with a hastily delivered excuse of going to the bathroom.

He didn’t stay long enough to see the others reactions, instead fleeing to his childhood room, that had it’s very own bathroom. When he arrived he sat down on the cold tiles next to the bathroom. Without warning, a broken sob forced its way out, way to loud and he slapped a hand over his mouth. His eyes over spilled, and soon he was straight-out weeping. In a panicked frenzy he turned his frail body over the bathroom and threw to fingers to quickly down his throat that he scratched it with his long nails. For the second time that day, he threw up, calming the hysteria that had been steadily building inside him. He shivered violently, as the pathetic amount of food eaten that day was lurched out of him in big, painful gulps. Heaving, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and stayed like that for a moment, coughing and sputtering into the rancid-smelling toilet.

When he was finally done, he saw blood in the toilet, and sat down with a jerk. His throat felt bruised inside, and his stomach was lurching furiously, upset at losing what little food it had been allowed that day. Curling into himself, he let the tears overwhelm him, trapping himself into his mind. He was empty now, and it felt good mentally, but on the outside everything hurt, and he was  _ so, so hungry.  _ He couldn’t go back out to his siblings, as they would be able to see he’d been crying, and he couldn’t stay here, because they would probably come looking for him. No, not probably, Dave  _ would  _ come looking for him, Klaus knew that for certain. And he couldn’t let Dave see him like this, like a pathetic, miserable fool, who couldn’t even take care of his own body.

He missed throwing up when he was drunk. Everything was more fluid then - his thoughts, his body, even the movements in his throat when the sick spilled out. Now, as sober as ever, it had just hurt, and his stomach still hadn’t calmed down. His eyes were sunken and his skin was sallow. He looked like absolute shit, and felt even worse. How could anyone love  _ this?  _ He was ugly, he was a fuck-up, he was replaceable as all hell. Everyone in that living room deserved more than he had ever done. Sure, he quit the drinking, the drugs and the likes, but he was still ruining his body, maybe even worse than before. 

The thing was - he couldn’t help it. Every morning when he woke up next to Dave - sweet,  _ beautiful  _ Dave, he was faced with a unbearingly panic that he would leave him if he saw Klaus like Klaus saw himself, if he saw the real version of him. The version that was twisted and ugly, broken without any hope of recovery, and not the happy, go-lucky version of himself that he so delicately showed to everyone.

Dave wouldn’t want  _ this.  _ He didn’t even want this himself, so how could anybody else? 

In his little puddle of despair where the sobs still rang out loudly, he hadn’t heard the sound of footsteps approaching before they were right outside the bathroom door. There was a gently knock on the door. 

“Klaus?”

Fuck. It was Ben. And he was on the other side of the fucking door, which was the only thing shielding Klaus from the rest of the world. A barrier which Klaus wasn’t just thankful for, but absolutely, truly needed from breaking down properly. 

He coughed a few times, trying to clear his voice so it wasn’t too obvious he’d been crying.

“Yeah?” He said, and sounded exactly like someone who’d just been crying. Great. Fucking fantastic. Fuck his fucking life. 

The door creaked open and he was faced with a very worried Ben who became a very,  _ very  _ worried Ben when he saw the state his brother was in. He dropped down to his knees holding his arms out and embraced Klaus as tightly as he could. 

With his heart hammering in his chest, Klaus returned the hug, hesitantly at first, but soon clinging onto his brother. It seemed as if the tears had finally died out, or maybe he was just too tired for it, as they just hugged for a long, long time. When they finally departed, Ben leaned in and looked Klaus directly in the eyes. 

“You know it’s okay to ask for help right? All of us, out there, “ He gestured to the living room, “ we all care about you.”

Klaus just shook his head, disagreeing profusely, (How could anyone care about a piece of shit like him after all?) but being too tired to vocally voice his thoughts.

“No, none of that - we do.  _ I _ do.”

“Why?” Klaus croaked out, his throat properly hurting now, feeling as if he could feel every scratch mark when he said anything.

“What kind of question is that? You’re my brother Klaus, of course I love you. You think I stuck around for 17 years after I’d died, because I couldn’t go to heaven? I could, you know, I just chose not too.”

This made Klaus pay attention.

“Wait, wait, wait” He said, and winced a bit, “All that time, you could’ve just- gone away? Finde peace?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t understand. That makes no sense. It must have been terrible, to follow me around through the streets and prison cells and-”

“It was.” Ben cut him off, “But I would do it all again. Because you know what’s worse than following you around, watching you ruin yourself?”

Klaus could only shake his head in confusion,

“Not knowing whether or not you’re dead in some ditch somewhere because I wasn’t there to talk you out of something stupid. 

“But then I would be dead - with you.” Klaus said.

“Yes! And I  _ don’t  _ want you to die!”

“You don’t?” Klaus asked, surprised.

“Of course I don’t you idiot!” Ben said, voice rising and sounding exparated, “I want you to live till a 100, and to adopt a dozen kids with Dave and raise them to be as annoying and petty as you were!” 

Klaus was silent for a long while. The he looked up, the slightest sign of a smile tugging at his lips. 

“I don’t want you to die either Ben.” 

“You better not.”

And then they hugged again, and Klaus felt a thought forming in the back of his head. A thought that said;  _ maybe, things weren’t that bad, after all. _

  
  
  


_ (But what if they were?) _

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was a tough one. This fic has basically become a vent-pic by now lmao. It was a rough chapter, I'll admit that, but next chapter is gonna be pure fluff with extra fluff on top, to heal all of out broken hearts lol. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter - the first got very positive reactions and I love every comment, so please keep sending them! It gives me motivation and makes me wanna write even more.
> 
> As always, Im on Tumblr @Kindasickkindacool, feel free to send a message my way, or write a prompt of what you'd like me to write next!


	3. happy fucking ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is shit, and it's very unrealistic maybe, but im writing from my own perspective about this stupid disorder, because I needed to vent so do with it as you please.
> 
> also, thanks for reading along, and I love all the kudos and comments so unbearingly much. kiss kiss

After a long while, Ben went out to the other, saying Klaus felt ill and was going to go home. Dave was quick to pick him up from the dusty floor and call a cab. While they waited for it to arrive, Ben took Klaus aside once more.

"You have to tell him. If you wan't to get better, you have to tell him, so he can look out for you." Ben said, urgency evident in his voice though he whispered. 

"I will" Klaus replied.

Ben didn't believe, that much was obvious, so Klaus said again: "I will, I promise, okay?" 

Outside the cab drove through the gates, and Klaus perked up at the sound. Dave came over to the two of them.

"You ready to go?" He said to Klaus, swinging an arm over his boyfriends bony shoulders.

"Yeah" Klaus said, and let himself be pulled into a kiss. It was shirt and sweet, and they didn't linger too long, and they said their goodbyes, and walked outside. The rain had mostly subsided by now, though the weather still was far from good. The slight drizzle suddenly made Klaus long for the heat of the summer again. He pressed his slim frame further into the warm heat of Dave, and let himself be guided into the car. 

The ride home was quiet, but every time Klaus moved his head to look at Dave he found those brown eyes already focused on him. There was anticipation in the air, and not the usual sexual kind, but something more somber, more sad. Finally the car arrived at the small hut they called home, and Klaus was quick to exist it, making his way inside where it was dry and warm, while Dave handled the payment to the driver.

It smelled clean inside, familiar, and Klaus heart finally slowed down to a manageable and normal beat once more. The domestic look of the house he'd build with Dave made him feel safe and protected in a way he only ever felt in Daves arms. Speaking of which, those arms once more found their rightful place around Klaus body, tugging him gently into the darkness of their bedroom. He sat him down, kissing his cheek and gently pulling the shirt of him. As soon as Klaus sat shirtless, Dave's movements came to a stop, and through half-lidded eyes, Klaus could feel eyes studying him. He must have made quite a sight, all pale skin and bones. Dave reached out for him, trailing the protruding ribs as if seeing them for the first time.

"Klaus." He said, not much more than a whisper.

Klaus turned away in shame, laying down in the bed who was too soft all of a sudden; he didn't deserve it. 

Klaus felt the bed shift with the added weight as Dave laid down next to him, putting an arm gently over his stomach, just resting it there. 

"I know there's something bothering you." he paused, "What's wrong?"

Klaus could feel his eyes watering up again, and he stubbornly blinked rapidly to make the tears go away. 

"I-" he took a deep breath in. "When I was 13 I started taking drugs."

"I know that Klaus, Is that what this is-"

"No. Let me talk."

Dave shut up.

"When I was 13 I started taking drugs. But it wasn't only because I wanted to numb the ghosts or feel some kind of happiness even if it was fake. It was all of those things, sure, but It was also because I'd heard some people at a party talking about how they'd gone 2 days without eating after an acid trip."

Dave finally had an idea of where this conversation was going, and he didn't like it one bit. He kept quiet though, letting the other man speak freely, though shaking lips. 

"I went up to them, asking for a taste. I didn't have much money, but luckily for me, the two of them were as perverted as could be. I only had to suck one of them off, and they let me off with plenty of drugs." The tears fell anyway, despite Klaus' best efforts to keep them in. It was a painful memory, one he didn't return to very often. "I don't remember the next few days at all, it was just this airy feeling and then suddenly I woke up in a back alley in the middle of nowhere. It took me four hours to find my way home."

When he finally did get home, though, it was to a furious Reginald Hargreeves who proceeded to luck him in his room with no food for the remainder of the day. That's how it had started properly, this stupid disease. 

"They were right - I hadn't eaten for a whole 24 hours and I was so proud Dave, so fucking, stupidly proud of myself for finally doing something, not even my brothers and sister could do. Sure - Luther could lift the double of what he should've been able to at that age, but I could go without eating for days, and wasn't that amazing? it felt like that, anyhow, back then."

"What about now?"

He made a vague movement with his hand, suddenly over the conversation and wanting nothing more than to stop it, make it disappear. He'd told his part.

Dave must have sensed it. 

"I love you."

Klaus turned around at the words, shocked.

"I love you, and I will always love you, even if you're the most fucked up person on the entire planet."

Dave kissed him, sorrowful and so beautiful and gently as he could ever be, and it put something together inside of Klaus. He'd never believed love could fix him: hell he was still certain of that, but maybe love could be the way out? The beginning of something better. If he had Dave, Klaus felt all of a sudden, he could do anything.

"I love you too." He said, and returned the kiss, putting all of his grief and hate and hunger into it. Speaking of hunger - it was so clear that if Klaus didn't get something to eat in the next hour, he would absolutely go nuts in the kitchen, and he knew that was the wrong way to go about things, because it would only make him hate himself even more, plus the negative added bonus of being bloated and hurting. So he sat up again, and looked benignly at Dave.

"Do we have the stuff for making a salad?" He then said, in a very, very quiet voice. 

"We do." Dave said, and juts like that, he stood up from the bed, leaving Klaus colder but thankful, and went into the kitchen. Klaus followed slowly after, putting on one of Dave's shirts on his way. It was way too big on him, but he kinda liked it like that. It made him feel like he belonged to something, like he was real, and loved and not just a shadow of the genre, sweet kid he used to be. He knew that kid had to be in there somewhere though, he just had to be. Now the problem was, how was he going to go about finding the kid again?

He'd have to ask Dave. And maybe his psychiatrist.

As he watched his boyfriend shuffle around the kitchen, the hint of a smile brush across his lips. It felt ordinary, mundane even, but it was a nice kind of mundane. The kind he would've scoffed at before the war, when he didn't have the faintest clue about what love was. He adored this man, who would take all of his bullshit in strive, who'd console him, and care for him, and even fucking make him a salad, because his brain said he couldn't eat anything else.

He wanted to marry him, he found, Not right now, and maybe not even this year, but someday for sure. He wanted to adopt kids with him, and live with him on a small farm in Tennessee. He wanted everything, as long as it was with Dave. And sure, maybe love couldn't fix things, and he'd still suffer with this mental illness for a long time, but he felt as if it was livable, if he had Dave with him on the road to recovery. He needed Dave, and he hoped Dave needed him as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me @kindasickindacool

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked the first chapter! I'm planning this to be around 3 chapters, maybe more, if it has enough potential. The angst is gonna get pretty heavy, but there'll also be plenty of comfort.
> 
> Feel free to write scenarios that you wanna see or prompts, and I'll be sure to write them.
> 
> You can also hit me up on Tumblr @kindasickkindacool where I'm always ready to chat and cry about tua.
> 
> (also: comments are a writer best friend!)


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